December Meditations…
My beloveds…
Emerging from a dynamic meditation, into music from endless Youtube playlists. Snow holding on the mountains, and even on the streets, bushes, and rooftops below me. I am, this morning, filled with gratitudes.
My mind is always full of things to write to you about. Just getting a feel for who “you” are. This morning it feels like those who are reaching, like I am, for vibrations to match longings, beginnings, endings. And beauty in our everyday lives….
Beauty, or fun, or purpose. Anything that strikes that chord, matches that vibration. Syncing with it. And at this time of year, especially, I appreciate the good vibrations that match the joyful mood all aroud me. However, as can happen…
I went through a dark night. In December. I was triggered. My usual equanimity peeled back, and unevolved feelings took over. What? That’s there? Just behind the gratitude? The urge to smash the supposed good feelings of those around me. To expose underlying selfishness, unkindness, thoughtlessness. Driven by my own resentments and unfulfilled longings.
I became unable to express myself kindly, thoughtfully. And instead stumbled into supposedly long-dealt-with but familiar-patterned sarcasm, for hours, unwilling to go into the full attack my emotions wanted, and expose my thoughts. Instead I created a mini issue until mini disaster struck. Spilling water all over thoughtfully chosen cards for loved ones. Ruined.
Then I had a reason, to wail and rant. Out loud. To protest, put myself down, down to the level of the emotions I was vibrating with. My companion was confounded at the intensity, doing his best to dry my cards. My son, familiar with my occasional dark nights, made himself busy nearby, chuckling at my outburst and absurd self insults until I felt heard. I quieted.
It took awhile. But the unhappy thoughts and feelings had their true moment. And the dark night lifted. In time to make light of the ruin, and hand out flawed Christmas cards, with a laugh. Because the universe, and how it works in each of our lives, is funny.
Those hours, in my dark of December, were all about the importance to self express to maintain balance. I know what’s important in “express yourself” is to match the vibration, the intensity, the mood. Some would have matched those feelings in other ways. Maybe an exhilarating down hill ski, maybe a couple of hours in an art studio. Maybe time in a foodbank, helping others.
The actual issue may not be resolved with those self expressions, but the ability to address the issue with kindness, thoughtfulness can return. If it fled.
December is close to done… I am thinking that my experience of losing it, somehow, at this time of year, is a common one. My distress was unique to me and who I am. But thinking you, my beloveds, also experienced a dark night. Thinking of you.
And hoping it lifts, has lifted. Enough. Reach for a good thought. Let in a good vibration….
What book fits this story? It’s got to be “The Places That Scare You” by Pema Chodron. A book filled with warrior slogans to see us through the darkest nights… Haven’t read it? A good one for your keep-handy bookshelf. So this link is to the hardcover.
Pema Chodron opens with a story, then gives impeccable advice and words to get you through….
